Hi Im back with another journal entry! So today we’re going to discuss a heavy subject: RELIGION. FAITH. BELIEF. RELIGIOUS CONNECTION.
Assalam Mu'alaikum (May Peace be Upon You),
Its a very controversial subject especially in this century. I have been a Muslim ever since I was born. My parents have been putting me in Islamic School ever since I was around 9 years old. I was taught to pray 5 times a day, memorize passages from the Qur’an (aka Surahs), to be respect and care for your parents, to thank Allah (Our Islamic God) everyday, and to follow the 5 duties of Islam; Shahadah (Belief), Sholat (Prayer), Fasting, Zakat (Charity), and Hajj (Pilgrimage). It seemed a lot for a 9 year old to do our religious duties everyday along with our chores and our homework assignments.
Living in this century is especially hard to follow our Islamic duties, especially after the depressing attack during 9/11. In memory of all the deaths and the survivors of the 9/11 attacks. America has been blaming Islam for all the terrorism attacks, making it difficult for muslim women to be safe and comfortable to go out in their head scarf (Hijab). We are known to be a peaceful religion who were told to not harm people, animals, and other live things. We were told to respect other religions. This was written in our holy book, The Qur’an, many centuries and centuries ago.
As years went on my belief of the religion started to fade away. I would pray here and there with my parents force. My prayer intentions was not for the right reasons, it was too please my parents and for them to stop yelling at me to pray my daily prayers. This was not a good intention as your intention should be to thank Allah for all the blessings he has given you. To thank Allah another day of living. But I ignored that and just did it for preventing my parents to yell at me.
Living in the 21st century there is so many distractions that can make you forget your 5 duty prayers. Distractions like the internet, your cellular device, social medias, and other sources of entertainment. But this is no excuse. This life is all a test. To see if you can pass the test with these many difficult obstacles we have to pass. However, from all the historical Islamic stories I have heard, it was much harder to follow Islam. With all the hatred, violence, and less resources. Prophet Muhammad (saw) had a tougher time to spread the religion peacefully. He had no guidance except from Allah (swt) and that was all he needed to survive. Unfortunately, he was not supernatural and couldn't live longer to help us in this century. But all we need is the faith in Allah to pass this test and it will be easy. Inshallah.
My journey is still difficult with my anxiety disorders, lack of self confidence, fear of judgement, and fear of loneliness. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Every muslim, every girl, every boy, everyone who is a human are all struggling with this and its their own journey to find it. Cliche but its true. Some journeys are longer than others.
I am now in college and still am struggling with social anxiety, academic anxiety, future anxiety, self confidence, and fear of judgement and loneliness. I am slowly trying to cope with these fears with therapists and my friends who believe in me. But sometimes I feel like I am still alone and that no one can relate what I’m going through. I know I am different and you should be proud of it but I don't know. Im still realizing how sometimes its good to be different. TO BE YOURSELF. TO ACCEPT. I want to really achieve these goals. I just need the physical and emotional reassurance sometimes. This is scary. This is all scary for me to be myself sometimes. I feel like I always need to impress people and impress myself its hard to be me, if I'm just questioning myself all the time.
This is really depressing. I love journaling thats how I cope. I can tell paper or any document anything. Im just afraid for someone to find the truth about me. They would think I'm absurd and weird.
But back to the subject of religion. Im realizing that praying makes me feel a bit better. I don't feel as lonely. I really do love my religion. It’s just hard to follow with distractions and the depression Im struggling with. Its weird saying that I think I am depressed. I believe I can do this with Allah by my side. My parents by my side. My honest friends by my side. Always by my side. I will try hard. Sometimes I just need comfort. I just want to tell people the whole truth but I cant. I am sorry.
I just want to start all over again. My goal is if I am struggling with anything I will think of Allah and how he will always be by my side always.
I was also thinking that I want to try to start being modest with my body and wear the hijab. I think if I wear a hijab I will more confident in my own skin. But the first few weeks I will feel off, but I will be comfortable as soon as I tell myself that this is just me and the beloved Allah. Inshallah...
Thank You for reading!
Music:
Maher Zain Albums (Too many songs to refer to)
Wa' alaikum Salam (And Unto You Peace)
